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| I was sitting there, in Adam's living room, while Catch Me if You Can was playing on the TV. Adam, Drew, and I were having a calm night watching a decent movie, sharing a double bottle of wine. It was exactly how I would've wanted the night to go, until around ten.
It's stupid--that's exactly what I told Adam when he found me crying on the back porch. It's stupid, I know, but there was this scene--if you haven't seen the movie and you're worried this might ruin it for you, then stop reading. But there was this scene where Leonardo DiCaprio was next to Tom Hanks on a plane, and Tom Hanks had to tell Leo that his father died. There was something in the latter's reaction that got me--there was some similarity I found in his shock that reminded me of the fateful morning I received that phone call from my mother. It isn't a morning I enjoy thinking about, so it's not one I call to mind often. But sometimes, unexpectedly, life throws it in my face. Sometimes I get a shocking reminder of what happened.
As I watched that scene I told myself not to cry. "This is just a movie; this is fake," I kept saying. In the epic battle of my emotions against my rationality, the former has always prevailed. Two minutes later, I was crying on Adam's back porch.
I guess that's what I've come to recognize about death. As often as I tell people that I grieved over my loss and accepted it well enough to move on, there will always be moments where it hits me like a punch in the jaw. I'm not a very religious person, but I truly hope there's an after life. I'd cry a lot more often if I was positive I'd never get the opportunity to speak to my father again.
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| It's the last day of 2008, and I guess I'm glad. Though I've changed in some really important ways, the past year basically blew. I was a mess through spring. I lost (what I'm ok with admitting is) the best relationship I'll *probably*ever have, and then (characteristically) immediately started a new one in summer. Because I could recognize my mistakes that I'd so recently made with Shawn, I changed for Adam. I devoted myself more than I ever thought I would with someone. My feelings grew shockingly strong, so when he decided he wanted a break, I almost collapsed. We ended up repatching things, but only for a month. That whole time I attempted to show myself how insane all of it was--I was hanging on desperately for no apparent reason. Once my logical side resurfaced, my life got back on track. That time I was responsible for the break-up. And though I had (slightly more) than a crush on the sidelines, I knew it didn't matter. I wasn't going to run to someone else like I've done since I was, what, 18? So, since then, I've embraced my independence. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I got it back. I used to dread sleeping in this apartment by myself, too. But that's what I've done pretty much since winter break began. Thank God Helen's coming home this afternoon, though. I'm fine alone, but I could really use a play mate. Especially since I have a Wii.
So things look better. I'm optimistic about all of it. I'm finally happy, and I hope I let myself stay single for awhile. Right now, life's better that way.
Let's end this entry with my personal highlights of '08, shall we?
+ OC during the 4th of July. The thought of sharing a relatively small room with all of my (mostly stuborn) best friends freaked me the hell out before we left. But the whole experience was amazing--I think I tend to forget just how much I love them when we spend some time apart.
+Canada (last summer). Can't say winter was enjoyable, but can I ever?
+Bowling (Friday nights, duckpin, BYOB, helllllls to the yeah).
+Wiiiiii.
+Brittany. Ok, so Brittany's a strange highlight, but we had a falling out a couple of years ago, and recently I've seen her more than anyone. I love that we're becoming close again. And fuck the past.
+My 21st birthday party. Recognized as one of the most fun parties everrrrrr. :)
I feel like I'm forgetting some important ones, but those will suffice. Happy New Year everyone.
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| Well my current roommate happens to be a gigantic biotch, so that's an issue. :p
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too! | | |
| I can't believe what happened last night.
Strikingly unpredictable. That's all I know about life.
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